Rabbi Zelig Pliskin suggests one of the secrets to avoiding such cancers. I can't say that I take it to heart (I don't love criticism), but it seems reasonable:
Loving criticism is the ideal to strive for. This is listed in the last chapter of Ethics of the Fathers as one of the 48 tools to acquire Torah. The verse in Proverbs 9:8 states: "Do not rebuke a scoffer, lest he hate you; rebuke a wise man, and he will love you." The Vilna Gaon comments: "A wise person is someone who continuously wants to grow in Torah. He appreciates it if you point out to him that he is doing something wrong. His goal is self-improvement, and he loves every opportunity to become a better person."
... If you feel the criticism is not valid, you can calmly and respectfully say, "I realize you meant well, but I would like to explain why your criticism isn't valid."
If your spouse keeps arguing that you deserve the criticism and you still feel you don't, it's wise to stop. You might say, "I'll think it over."
... The Torah priority is that peace between husband and wife takes precedence over saying the truth if that will cause needless resentment. In the Torah we find that God distorted the truth to prevent a lack of shalom bayit between Abraham and Sarah. All the more so, it is permissible to refrain from correcting a trivial and inconsequential error to protect shalom bayit.
Rabbi Pliskin also recommends techniques for dealing with your spouse when they are angry:
When your spouse is angry, how you react will either increase his or her anger or decrease it. We find this wisdom in a well-known verse from Proverbs 15:1: "A soft reply turns away anger."
... When interacting with someone who is angry, the most important thing to remember is: Don't say anything that would just add fuel to the fire.
... It is usually wisest to apologize. In most instances, nothing will be gained by attacking your spouse's anger right then. After the issue is worked out, you might say, "You had a valid reason for being upset before. In the future I would appreciate it if you would word your complaints in a softer manner."
... When you are calm and in a peaceful state it might still be difficult to think clearly about what to say when you are spoken to angrily. But that is still much easier than when you yourself are also angry. If your spouse speaks to you in anger, that energy can easily elicit anger on your part, but you can still maintain a centered state and think clearly.
... If you had a group of people encouraging you, it would be easier. So imagine a multitude of people saying, "We know you can do it. Stay calm. Speak softly." Since it's impossible to have this multitude when you need them, you must create this inner voice saying, "You can do it. Stay calm. Speak softly." By repeating this over and over again, you will have created an inner voice that will reinforce your ability to actually stay calm and speak softly when you are faced with anger.
I have to admit I try to use a variation of this technique myself in my daily life.
Rabbi Pliskin discusses yet another trying aspect of marriage -- when your spouse is depressed or pessimistic.
How can you change someone from being bitter and cynical into someone who is cheerful, optimistic, and consistently appreciative of the good and the positive? It isn't easy, but before you try to change someone, your first priority is to protect yourself from being brought down. Influencing the other person requires a long-term plan based on strategic thinking. You need patience and a willingness to have a positive influence one small step at a time.
Be totally resolved that every negative statement of your spouse will automatically be met with a mental defense on your part. It might be inappropriate and counterproductive to express these statements, but you can think whatever you like.
Like the four children at Passover, each type of negativist requires a different approach (although there are only three listed):
- If this person suffered a lot in his or her life, be compassionate and empathetic. Try to understand his or her pessimism and bitterness in the context of his or her entire life history. Perhaps life has been full of suffering; perhaps he or she grew up in a chaotic or dysfunctional environment. Then judge what is appropriate to say, and what would be better left unsaid. When compassion is required, that is our Torah obligation. A person who is suffering can't listen to a long lecture about being more positive. Only after feeling genuinely understood can this person hear about another outlook and attitude.
- If a person who tends to be cynical and pessimistic views himself or herself as highly intelligent and sees you in a lesser light, he or she will usually ignore the positive things you say. They will think, "This person is naive."
Asking questions might help this person see things more positively. You might ask, "Is anything going right in your life?" or, "Can you think of anything that is already the way you want it to be?" You might even ask, "Can you think of a plan to improve the situation?" Suppose they say, "No." Then you can say, "Perhaps you can find someone who could suggest improvements." - Some people who are cynical need to be told, "You think your thoughts are reality, but anyone who has a more comprehensive view will see that your perspective is limited." Maybe the person will concede you have a point and his or her way of thinking is just a habit that can change. Then you are making progress.
Gotta love those Rabbis!
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